if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
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*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.