necessity is the mother of invention
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
This bar smells like my childhood.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I’ve had relationships like this
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.