*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
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when the buffet is more honest than your date
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Godspeed, John Glenn
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?