hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
no
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.