I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.