Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs