A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
A woman drives into a bar.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.