WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh