Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
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I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.