no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.