My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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Thrilling chase underway
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
OH. COME. ON.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Canada has crack?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
✌🏽
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.