One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me, flirting😏
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.