Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
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Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton