I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake