20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Spa day..😅
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.