Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.