when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Oh the world we live in…
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.