Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’