Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
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[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
And then there were 4
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
A Short Story.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.