I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”