[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Huge, if true.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
wishing you and yours all the best
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Got ya covered
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe