Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
how to have an accident 101
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
This sounds bad:
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??