American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!