*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow