I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
When I can’t barge, I careen.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.