[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?