For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.