I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.