I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
You know…for fall…
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.