FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
You Might Also Like
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Wednesday
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy