I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
You Might Also Like
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
At least my masseuse has my back.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft