When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
asking santa clause for nudes
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.