*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
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A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job