I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.