My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
The honesty is refreshing
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
titanic
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Best table by far
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Monday?
No. Next question.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?