STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.