I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My circle of trust is a meatball
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?