I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)