*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
You Might Also Like
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER