When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.