Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Good morning.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance