Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.