My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Oh hi lol
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES