CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
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Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river