Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works