*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.