I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
hi why am I like this
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast