I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.