Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
adam and eve had first world problems
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄