You Might Also Like
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind